


i get lost with you

by Notmycatsname



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - American, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Fluff, M/M, Marauders Fest 2020, Mutual Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notmycatsname/pseuds/Notmycatsname
Summary: "This is so far from how Sirius had imagined the night would go, his last Halloween party of college, but there’s no part of it he’d do differently."
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47
Collections: Marauders Fest 2020





	i get lost with you

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Sirius is demisexual and/or demiromantic, and it takes him a while to realize that for most people, intense friendship does not come before attraction. Most people are not exclusively interested in their best mate, either. 
> 
> title taken from Dogwalk by Pity Sex

Nostalgia is an odd thing for a 21 year-old to feel, especially when it’s nostalgia for something that isn’t even in the past yet but it’s the only way to describe how Sirius feels at his last college Halloween party. Marlene’s house had been packed this year but the bulk of the crowd has left by the time Sirius makes his way through the living room, looking for his friends. He spots James trying to chat up Lily again in the kitchen, leaning so heavily against the shabby card table holding drinks that it’s liable to fall over. He slips behind James unnoticed and reaches for one of the shitty Jell-o shots on the table.

“Chemistry’s really not my strong suit though, I mean obviously, I put off taking it until my senior year. But I know you’re great at it, of course, so I was thinking, y’know, if you’re free we could take a look at it. Together, at, um, my house, if you’d like.”

Lily meets Sirius’s eyes over James’s shoulder and smiles as he rolls his eyes. He tosses back the shot before slamming the little plastic cup on the table with more force than necessary to stop James’s rambling.

“Fucking hell,” James jumps and turns to Sirius. “You scared the shit out of me.” He rubs a hand down his face and looks back at Lily laughing at the both of them.

Sirius reaches back to pour himself a soda. “Saving your ass, is what I was doing,” Sirius murmurs and bumps his shoulder against James.

“Too good for a costume, Sirius?” Lily asks him. “You didn’t want to be Wario to James’s Waluigi?”

“Excuse you, that’s sexy Waluigi,” James gasps with a dramatic hand wave.

With a raised eyebrow, Lily eyes him up and down and Sirius just knows James is flustered by this. “And what makes it sexy? You just look like a half-assed Waluigi to me.”

“It’s Waluigi, he’s always sexy.” James looks entirely too pleased with himself.

Sirius snorts into his cup and gestures from his beanie to his patterned sweater. “And I’m obviously dressed as Remus.” It’s one of Remus’s largest sweaters, heavy and woolen, decorated in stripes of dull maroon and bright mustard yellow. He passes another glance around the room searching for the man in question. “And he’s around here somewhere dressed as me. Haven’t seen him in a bit though. He’s got my good jacket, he better not lose it.”

“Glad to see your priorities are in order,” James jokes as he reaches for Sirius’s drink and downs nearly a quarter of it in one go before topping it back off with vodka. “He’s upstairs,” he mutters, bringing his thumb and pointer finger up to his mouth to mime bringing a joint to his lips.

It certainly has been a long three years from their first Halloween party, Sirius thinks. The four of them were only new friends then and no amount of coaxing could get Remus to do any more than stand awkwardly in the corner, arms crossed stiffly in front of him until Marlene’s old roommate’s cat took pity on him and wandered over. They’ve grown immeasurably closer since then and found their group of friends as well. This Halloween party has become a tradition since that year.

“So much for that being my good jacket then. That thing will stink for weeks.” Peering around the kitchen a final time, Sirius pushes himself off from the table. “Speaking of which,” he turns fully towards Lily, “sorry to intrude but I’m stealing James from you.”

“But I’ll be around still if you want to find me later,” James says with a touch too much enthusiasm but Lily, strangely, seems to find it charming. There’s a fond softness in her eyes as he makes a fool of himself. “Oh! And great costume, by the way,” he says as he follows Sirius out of the kitchen. “Love the Jurassic Park look, Laura Dern was great in that. And your boots! Really great.”

Shaking his head, Sirius grabs ahold of James’s arm and pulls him through the living room and out the front door. Once it shuts behind them, James slides down to sit on the porch, leaning against the house while Sirius sits, balancing on the banister, and pulls a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket.

“At the risk of sounding like a 13 year-old,” Sirius snorts at that but James shoots him a glare and keeps talking, “do you think she’d go out with me?”

The look of genuine distress on James’s face as he peers up at Sirius is a little too much for him and he can’t hold back a laugh at it. “I’d like to know,” he says, flicking his lighter, “what part of your brain has been transformed into old meatloaf. I mean, you aren’t stupid. You’re at the fucking top of your education classes, like every single one of them. And yet!” Sirius sighs and looks down at James, still blinking up at him with wide eyes. “Yes, you idiot. I think she’ll go out with you. Obviously.”

James smiles to himself and studies his shoes. He’s had a thing for Lily since they’d been RAs in the same dorm building sophomore year. He made a truly horrid first impression, entirely too arrogant in his position of “authority,” if you could even call it that. Something about the ability to help a floor full of college freshmen find their way made him a bitch to be around at first. James’s arrogance ruined his attempt to ask her out and Lily had upended her drink on him like a cliche scene from a teen movie.

But he’s matured since then, even if a reminder of that night still nearly sends James into a panic and reduces Sirius to tears of laughter. They can all see how she’s fallen for him now, since he stopped hounding her and started working on becoming less of a cocksure kid. Well, James may not be able to see it but Sirius, Peter, and Remus certainly can.

“Good,” is all James says, stretching his leg out to kick at Sirius’s foot with a stupid grin on his face. Hopeless, Sirius thinks, but smiles at him anyway.

The sounds of the party inside seep out as the door opens and Peter steps out, tailed by Mary and one of her friends, Sirius isn’t sure of her name. “Hey, I was looking for you,” Peter says cheerily, wrapping his arm around Mary. “I’m heading home, I think.”

“You’re leaving already?” Sirius asks, frowning.

“I’ve got rehearsal tomorrow morning,” Peter says with a grimace. “Starts at 8 and I’ll have to be there until noon, honestly the worst part of band.”

“Oh shit, I almost forgot about your concert!” James reaches out for Sirius’s hand and hefts himself up from the ground. “Sunday at 4, right?”

Peter blushes a bit at that and nods. “Yeah, at the concert hall, but really, you guys don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

“Absolutely we’re coming,” Sirius exclaims, throwing his arm around Peter on the other side of Mary, who laughs at him. “You’re a senior! This is like your last concert. Ooh, do you think we could bring a sign?”

“Oh that would be perfect, ‘we heart first chair french horn player,’” James says, gesturing in front of himself like he’s picturing his work of art in front of him now. “I’ll come up with something more clever when I’m sober, probably.”

“Last concert? Looking ahead a bit, aren’t you Black?” Mary shakes her head at the three of him. “We don’t graduate until May, you’ll have three more chances to see us perform.”

“Don’t get Sirius started on that, he’s been like this since August,” Peter groans. “The _last_ first day of class, _last_ homecoming game he didn’t go to, I bet a few hours from now will be the _last_ 2am trip to McDonald’s to try to ward off a hang-over from the _last_ Halloween party.”

“Oh fuck you, Pettigrew. I express a little bit of vulnerability after years of trauma-induced emotional constipation and look what it gets me!”

“Alright, alright,” James says, in what they’ve dubbed his coaching voice, left over from years helping his father with little league. He puts an arm on Peter’s shoulder and holds out his cup. “Peter, have a sip of this before you go. Should be plenty of vodka in there to warm you up for that long walk home. Mary and...friend of Mary, you too. Can’t have you freezing to death on the way home. ” Peter laughs but does as James says. “And you,” James puts both hands on Sirius’s face and gives it a squish, “we love your emotions, you sentimental little egg.” Sirius scrunches his nose and tries to wriggle away from the strong embrace that is James Potter but to little avail.

“Alright, see you boys on Sunday,” Mary says, taking hold of Peter’s hand again as the two of them start to head towards her apartment. Her friend, though, lags behind for a few seconds, standing a bit awkwardly before flashing a nervous smile at Sirius.

“I’ll see you on Sunday, Sirius!” she says a little too loud before running after Mary.

Nodding, Sirius calls after her. “Yup, see you.” He spares a glance over at James after she’s gone. “Am I supposed to know her?”

James shrugs. “I don’t but I’ve seen her around. She’s got a thing for you though, she’s hit on you before.”

Sirius goes to scrunch his face up at that but quickly stops himself. There’s nothing wrong with Mary’s friend. She seems friendly and is nice looking. He just doesn’t know her and has no real interest in seeking out a relationship. He taps the ash off the cigarette and reaches out for the cup. “That could be a thing for you to do on this, your last year of college.” James holds his arms out like he’s making some sort of ridiculous grand gesture. “Little Sirius Black, going on his first date.”

Sirius knocks the rest of the drink back and Christ, he forgot how heavy handed James is with the alcohol. “I have been on dates before, believe it or not. Just because I’m not constantly going on about what girls I want to sleep with doesn’t mean I haven’t done things.”

“I do not just-”

“Right, sorry, not _just_ girls,” Sirius says with a grin and a laugh when James elbows him squarely in the ribs. “Christ, if I had to hear you talk any more about how hot you thought Benjy was two years ago, I would have lost it. ‘Have you seen his arms in that shirt, Sirius?’” Sirius puts on his best exaggerated Boston accent to mimic James, “‘and the other day when he was -’”

James sends another sharp elbow his way and shushes him loudly, casting a hurried look to the closed door. He straightens up then, crossing his arms in front of him in an attempt to look casual . “I do _not_ sound like that. Anyway,” James says with some force, “Mary’s friend though? No interest?”

“I mean, no. Not really. I don’t really…” He thinks for a moment before talking again. “So I went out with this girl in high school, Amber. She was super hot but also like…” Talking about what he finds attractive has never been his strong suit but especially not with this many drinks in him. He knew she looked nice, his friends in high school wouldn’t shut up about it, but it was difficult for him, both now and then, to put words to it. “I liked her,” he continues. “And we got on well together, things just got weird when we had to ‘date.’” He shrugs a little, trailing off. Sirius honestly doesn’t have an explanation as to why things went south. It had just felt off in a way he couldn’t describe. He let people in high school think he just wasn’t the relationship type, that he was just in it for the sex and nothing more, but even that was far from the truth.

“D’you sleep with her?” James is leaning almost entirely on the bannister, focused on the conversation. Sirius opens up the least of the four of them and usually only in situations like this, fueled by alcohol and some sad sort of nostalgia.

“Um, yeah. Kind of, I guess? I mean we…” He makes a vague hand gesture that would not have been understood by a sober man and was certainly misunderstood by James, who looks back at him dumbly. Sirius takes a breath. “It is, in my experience, extremely difficult to fake an orgasm when you have a penis. That is all I will say.”

James stares at him in shock for a moment before dissolving into laughter, head in his arms. “I’m sorry but -” He breaks off giggling again and Sirius just nods dutifully and finishes his cigarette while he waits for him to compose himself. James takes a couple deep breaths and tries to wipe the smile from his face but fails miserably.

“You know, you never do this with Remus and he hasn’t gone out with anybody in forever.”

James gives him a look. “Of course I don’t do this to Remus, he’d bite my head off. You know Remus has a carefully curated list of like 15 reasons why he doesn’t date and frankly, after the Snape disaster, I don’t blame him.”

Sirius’s jaw tightens at the mention of Snape. He and Remus had gone out early in their freshman year before Remus came out, in what Remus refers to as his “last ditch attempt at cisgender heterosexuality.” He says it as a joke but Sirius can see the anger there still, and the hurt left over. Sirius still isn’t 100% certain of what happened, but he doesn’t press Remus on it. He knows all he needs to: Snape made Remus feel like shit for not living up to his impossible standards on what a woman should be like and it was far from a clean break-up when Remus came out and told Snape that he was not, in fact, a woman.

“Fair enough,” Sirius mutters, teeth still grit. He’s not even sure Remus is still this angry about what Peter dubbed the “Freshman Year Fiasco.” But Remus is always quick to shrug off anything bad done to him, always more than happy to move on to the next thing. Sirius thinks it’s ridiculous. Remus deserves the world. He deserves someone who can see how special he is and who treats him with the care he gives to others.

“You should tell Remus about that though, honestly. Trade bad dating stories, I’m sure that’ll make both feel better.”

“I do not want to hear about his sex life, no thank you.” James gives him a look that Sirius can’t quite place. It makes him squirm a little, actually, to be under that fixed gaze, especially when he doesn’t know what the cause of it is. Sirius is notoriously not the person to talk to about dating, sex, romance, any of it, especially not when you could get genuinely good advice from both James and Peter. But more than that, Remus means so much to him that he doesn’t think he wants to hear about anyone who’s treated him poorly. He still has to bite back the impulse to smash Snape’s face in whenever he sees him around campus.

“Alright, enough of this.” He puts his cigarette out in the impromptu ash tray of a questionably filled Red Solo Cup. “Inside?”

The two of them have only been outside for around 15 minutes but the crowd has thinned significantly since then. Sirius checks his phone and sees it’s already a touch past midnight. The only people who are left, gathered together in the living room in a circle, are members of their close friend group. Remus sits on the loveseat in the corner, squashed up against Marlene, and grins at James and Sirius as they walk in. The house felt a little overwhelmingly warm before they stepped outside but Sirius it welcomes it now after the chill of the late October air. He spares a glance around the room and sees that most of the real chairs are taken up. James sits by Lily on the floor in front of the fireplace and Sirius goes to join him before he sees Remus hold his arms out and bounce his legs.

“There’s room here.” His voice is hoarse and his eyes are half-lidded but it’s enough to shake Sirius out of his residual bad mood from outside. The alcohol must have caught up to Sirius as well and he can’t help but laugh.

“What, in your lap?”

Remus just gives him a sleepy nod. Marlene gives them a little more space but still not nearly enough to fit another person. “Come on, Sirius, it’s this or the floor and you look like you won’t be getting up if you end up there.”

Scoffing, Sirius tries to lower himself gently onto Remus but ends up thudding down with less grace. “Is that a slight at my age?” Remus wraps his arms around Sirius’s middle and he sticks his cold hands over Remus’s warm ones and kicks his feet across into Marlene’s lap.

Marlene laughs at this outright. “First off, I’m older than you and you know this. Secondly, it’s a slight at your inability to hold your alcohol. Someone threw-up in the bathtub last year and I know for a fact it was you, even if you won’t admit it.”

“I plead the fifth, I do not remember the events of that night.”

Remus chuckles, his warm laugh ghosting over the skin of Sirius’s neck. “How long’s it been since you took a political science class?”

Sirius ignores him with a poke to his side and reaches for the open can on the side table. “Is this yours?” Remus hums a little in affirmation and reaches out for it. “Bud Light? Disgusting, who are you, honestly?”

He gets a poke in return for that but hands it over to Remus. Sirius watches the heated game of Uno between Lily, Dorcas, and Benjy and feels an ache in his heart. He knows this won’t be the last time they’re all together like this, far from it. Mary was right, they’ve got a semester and a half in front of them still but Sirius can’t help but miss it all already. He trusts they’ll stay close after this year, at least the four of them will, but it won’t be like it is now where they all share a house. James, Peter, and Remus mean the world to him, he truly thinks they’re the best things that have ever happened to him. He can’t bear the thought of them drifting apart.

Christ, Sirius wishes his brain would give him a break, that he could have a nice night with his friends without thinking of a bleak future.He takes another look around the room and tries to shake away his thoughts. He sighs to himself, grabs the beer from Remus’s hand, and takes a sip to clear his mind. “Ugh, awful.”

Remus snatches it back and wriggles a bit underneath him. “I kinda like it, tastes like baked beans.” He smiles up at him and from this close Sirius can study his eyes, red and glassy. “Plus it doesn’t feel like I’m drinking lighter fluid, like your vodka.”

“Right because that’s what I want in my alcohol, something really filling with little payoff.” He shakes his head but he’s grinning at Remus and leans back against him. “Am I crushing you?”

Remus shakes his head. “I’m stronger than you think, thank you testosterone. I wanna get a six pack.”

“Yes, because the patented Remus Lupin diet of iced coffee and egg sandwiches paired with light walks around the neighborhood really lend themselves to rock hard abs.”

Rolling his eyes, Remus squirms a little in an attempt to dislodge Sirius. “Whatever. Let me up a minute. I haven’t had one of Dorcas disgusting Bailey’s and pudding concoction she’s been hounding me on about all night.”

“Damn right Lupin, eat it and tell me you don’t love it,” Dorcas exclaims. “God-fucking-damn it, Lily, quit it with the draw-fours.” She groans and slides off her chair to the floor. “Better get me one too if I’m gonna lose this bad.”

“I’ll get it. You stay here, you’re too floppy,” Sirius says, hopping out of Remus’s lap with a pat to his head and he trudges to the kitchen with only minimal stumbling. He opens the fridge for the puddings and is half-tempted by someone's leftover orange chicken he sees when he hears Benjy speak.

“I can’t believe it’s Sirius who’s the token straight of your friend group.”

“Why? What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius asks quickly, grabbing 3 cups of pudding and handing them out to Dorcas and Remus, keeping one for himself as he plops to the ground in front of Remus. Benjy’s head snaps up from his hand of cards, eyebrows raised but smirking slightly, and Sirius realizes perhaps he spit that out with a little too much force.

“You’re literally sitting in his lap,” Marlene says around a laugh. She leans forward to grab Remus’s spoon and steals a bite. “Your whole group is especially touchy, you and Remus in particular. And like, of course it’s ridiculous that people can’t see two men showing platonic affection without assuming they’re together but,” she shrugs around another spoonful, “it is what it is.” Sirius sends a look to James but sees that he’s actively looking away.

This also doesn’t sit right with Sirius and he’s not sure why. “Doesn’t help your case that you go to Pride Club too,” Benjy mutters as he slaps down a Draw Four card. “Uno, by the way.”

“I started going to Pride Club to be with my friends!” Sirius interjects, but Lily and Dorcas both yell out that Benjy is cheating and the group dissolves into laughter and all speculation at Sirius’s sexuality is forgotten.

Realistically, Sirius knows what they’re talking about. Growing up, his father had almost perfectly fit the bill of a stereotypical man. He was strict, dominant, easy to anger and lash out. He and Sirius had never been particularly close and really, Sirius can’t remember the last time they’d hugged or voiced any type of affection towards each other. His friends in high school were typical jocks and even a small compliment had to be followed by a declaration of “no homo.” James, Peter, and Remus had honestly been lifesavers for him and Sirius would hate to think what he’d be like without them.

So yeah, Sirius thinks, by those standards, he can understand that any display of platonic affection seems “gay.” And he might have even said that himself at one point but not now. And he certainly doesn’t see why people think he and Remus are together. They’re friends. He knows that the two of them have a different relationship that they have with James and Peter. He doesn’t like any of them any more or any less. Remus is just different. Sirius is drawn to him in a way he can’t put words to him. He wants to impress him, make him happy, hear him laugh in a way that he hasn’t felt about anyone else.

He’s still thinking about this, licking the pudding from the spoon as the conversation goes on around him when the thought hits him and his stomach drops. Sirius glances up at Remus and sees him with his head tilted back, eyes closed. Sirius pulls his phone out, tilts it at an angle all the same so Remus couldn’t see if he looked down, and texts James.

**\- so**

**\- do you ever**

**\- fucking chir;hs**

James looks at his phone before Sirius can figure out how to form a complete thought and Sirius catches just a hint of a smile on his lips and can’t figure out why the hell James would be smiling when he’s clearly having a moment.

**\- benjy got to u, huh?**

**\- listn**

**\- i didn’t say anything**

**\- LISTEN**

**\- Remus? i thinkn i “like” him and I know**  
**that makes me sound like a middle schooler**  
**but like. I DIDNT KNOW LIKING FELT LIKE THIS**

**\- and like ok so probably bi but like.**  
**I DJDNT even realiS i LITERALY didn’t**  
**realize that THSI is what “”liking’ felt like**

**\- You see this shit? He's fuckng sleeping at a**  
**party. And it makes my Insides justs fkskfjsj**

**\- nd i didnt put thay together**  
**until Right Mow**

**\- r u done?**

**\- yes**

**-okay.**

  
**-i can’t tell u what ur sexuality is.**

  
**\- Howmstever. I have wondered for a bit**  
**if u weren’t ace or demisexual. and i**  
**was’t gonna bring it up bc it’s ur**  
**sexulaity and if u weren’t ready then**  
**u weren’t ready etc.**

Water, Sirius thinks, will help him clear his mind and sober up enough to think this through. He raises clumsily from the ground and heads back into the kitchen, away from whatever the conversation has migrated towards. There’s no cups left so he leans over the sink and drinks out of the tap like a cat while he checks his phone again. He watches the three dots at the bottom of the screen appear and disappear three times and thinks on what James is saying. The way he feels about Remus can’t be passed off as just the two of them being close friends, now that he really thinks about it. He can admit that with this much alcohol in him. Honestly, he’s closer to James than Remus in a lot of ways and he’s never thought of James with the soft sort of affection he reserves for Remus.

Sirius lets his mind drift farther, to kissing Remus, dating him. The thought usually makes him almost physically nauseous or at the least, slightly uneasy but he’s shocked to find that those feelings aren’t there. His stomach still jolts but it’s from nervousness instead of unease. The thought of being so close to Remus, physically and emotionally, makes his face flush from more than just the alcohol. He takes another sip from the stream of water out of the faucet and checks his phone again to find more messages from James, words of support and encouragement, but he shoots him back a four word text as he walks back into the living room.

**\- i’m gonna tell him**

The game of cards has ended and the discussion has shifted towards end-of-term projects and essays but Sirius still catches James’s curious gaze as he approaches Remus, eyes still closed. He reaches forward and pulls a little on the sleeves of Remus’s jacket, his own jacket, he remembers, and his heart clenches a bit when his eyes blink open and focus a little blearily. Sirius tries to speak but his voice gets stuck. He clears his throat and tries again.

“McDonald’s time?” He clears his throat again, voice coming out tight and nervous. Remus stretches and nods and lets himself be pulled up from his spot on the loveseat. They call out their goodbyes to the group, tell James they’ll see him back at their house, and start out on the familiar drunken trek to the McDonald’s near campus. Sirius knows he needs to say something but he’s nervous that he’ll just blurt out something stupid. No, he needs to think his words out carefully and yes, perhaps now, when he’s had a James Potter amount of vodka, is not the best time to admit that not only is Sirius apparently interested in men, he’s interested in Remus but he can’t keep this to himself. It might be stupid, he thinks, to babble out his feelings for Remus as soon as he even realizes them but he doesn’t think he can help it.

“‘S fucking cold,” Remus mutters, wrapping Sirius’s jean jacket tighter around him with his shoulders pressed up by his ears. He looks ridiculous, eyebrows furrowed and his nose already turning red. Sirius can’t hold back a laugh and Remus shoots him a look, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his vape pen. “You’re only laughing because you’ve got on that top tier sweater.” He inhales hard off the pen and coughs sharply a few times before handing it to Sirius.

“It’s warm but I don’t see how you can wear these all the time. They’re so fucking itchy.” Sirius wriggles his shoulders a bit and takes a hit off the pen. His mouth is filled with a strong fruit flavored smoke with a harsh undertone, so strong it nearly makes him nauseous. The high hits him quickly and he has to stop walking for a minute to rest his hands on his knees and cough.

Remus snickers at him and takes the pen back. “Yeah, I always forget how strong this is after I charge it.” He takes another hit before pocketing it, resting a hand on Sirius’s back. “You good?”

“Uh huh,” Sirius mutters, spitting onto the pavement. “Fuck, and you were the one who was just talking about how disgusting vodka was but you go and smoke this shit?” He straightens and they start walking again but he notices that Remus hasn’t taken his hand from his back.

“Says the man with a nicotine addiction. You cannot tell me that smoking this,” he pats his pocket, “is harsher than your analogue cigarettes.”

Sirius laughs, a little wildy, at him then, at the phrase “analogue cigarettes,” and leans into Remus so that their shoulders bump. It’s been a long night full of a few too many drinks and that paired with the weed has made him loose. He turns his head to look at Remus, longer and more fixed than he knows he would sober but he can’t bring himself to care. It really is ridiculous, Sirius thinks, that he’s gone so long without realizing what he feels for Remus. Maybe James is right, demisexual. The word feels foreign in his brain so he tries it on his tongue instead.

“Hmm?” Remus turns to look at him and starts a little when he sees Sirius has been staring.

“Demisexual,” Sirius repeats. He says it slowly, more to himself than to Remus, feeling the word on his tongue. “James said that’s what he thinks I am, told me earlier at Marlene’s.” Sirius sways slightly as he walks. He knows he’s a little too far gone, one too many between Dorcas’s alcoholic pudding and the hit off Remus’s vape, but he’s also grateful for it. He's a sad drunk but always giddy high and the overwhelming anxiety that caught up with him back in the kitchen is long gone and he’s glad that he can enjoy his time with Remus instead. And, now that he thinks about it, he’s not sure why exactly he’s so nervous to tell Remus that he likes him.

He feels Remus’s hand twitch a little on his back but it doesn’t drift from its place, and is it his imagination or do Remus’s fingers dig tighter into his skin? Remus hums a little, a practiced noncommittal sound and Sirius notices he’s not meeting his eyes. Normally, he thinks, that would worry him but he feels so warm with Remus touching him, his blood like a thick syrup slowing him down and easing his anxieties. “I think…” he starts but drifts off, tongue heavy and the words coming out slow. “I was thinking about what Benjy said, and why it bothered me -”

“Sirius, you don’t have to -” Remus cuts him off quickly, looking nervous for Sirius. He stumbles a little in a pothole as they wander into the parking lot. “You’re drunk. It’s...I don’t want you to ruin tonight if you think you’ll regret -”

They’re talking over each other now but Sirius can’t stop himself, can’t let Remus carry on with that line of thought. “I am drunk,” he concedes, “and high but so are you, and I think I needed it to...to work this out? I mean,” he tries for a joke, “you know me, emotions, feelings...those aren’t my strong suits.” Remus does smile at that, but it’s an almost sad little thing with his eyebrows furrowed.

“I know. I _do_ know. I just...I will remember this tomorrow even if you don’t and what if you say something tonight that you regret tomorrow? What if, what if you realize tomorrow that you’ve made a huge fucking mistake and you act like it didn’t happen? And I don’t… I couldn’t take-” Remus takes a great gulping breath and Sirius sees he’s shaking a little so he rushes forward, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him in.

“Woah, hey. Remus, hey.” Sirius wraps his arms tightly around Remus’s shoulders, feeling how tense he is. Remus’s hands are balled into tight fists at his side and he’s not crying, just breathing a little too fast and shallow. “I’m not going to…” Sirius takes a deep breath, rubbing one hand up and down Remus’s back slowly. “You three - you, James, and Peter - are the greatest friends I’ve ever had. I love the three of you so fucking much and I’m closer to you than I’ve ever been to anyone else. And I think it took...this, knowing you, Remus, so well to learn that I like you.” That word feels so stupid, so childishly cliche. It doesn’t come close to encompassing what he feels, what he’s realized over just the past few hours but he’s not sure he knows a word that would. “I like like you.” Sirius laughs but it comes out more of a ragged exhale. “God, I sound like James,” he mutters.

Remus sniffs a laugh against his shoulder, body still taught and anxious but his breathing is at least more normal. “And James?” He moves his head a bit to fit under Sirius’s chin but he still hasn’t looked him in the eyes yet.

“James… I think James knew before I did. About everything, I mean. About you.” Sirius feels Remus relax a touch at that, finally, hands unclenching and fingers winding around Sirius’s front two belt loops. “And you...do you also…” Christ this whole experience has been a mess of emotions, something so out of Sirius’s depth and it shows. He’s talking like a middle schooler, doing exactly what he teased James for earlier but honestly he can’t think of a smoother way to ask if Remus returns his feelings. Luckily Remus understands where he’s going and cuts him off before he can make a fool of himself more so than he already has.

“Yes.” He says the words quickly into Sirius’s jacket and they come out in a fierce whisper. Sirius feels him take another deep breath before he leans back enough to look up in his eyes. “Yes, I’ve...as long as we’re getting confessions out of the way, I’ve been into you ... for a while.” Sirius lowers his arms to wrap around Remus’s waist, to hold him there and he watches as Remus’s eyes crinkle around the corners in a sheepish grin. The neon glow from the McDonald’s arches hit his face and make him look a little haunted, Sirius thinks, and beautiful The light casts shadows across his face, underneath his eyes, and the crookedness of his nose that he broke in sophomore year. “I figured it was like a gay rite of passage, falling for your straight best friend.”

There’s something about that that makes Sirius’s heart ache, that Remus would just resign himself to unreturned affection. But he supposes he doesn’t have to now. “Remus,” Sirius mutters, leaning down to bury his head in his neck, the shaggy hair around Remus’s ears tickling his nose. “We’re in a fucking McDonald’s parking lot but I really...I want to kiss you.” Sirius laughs, a little embarrassed and suddenly very ready to get back to their house.

Remus laughs as well, soft but genuine and takes a couple steps back, bringing Sirius with him. He hops up onto the curb, stumbling a little, but fixes Sirius with a warm gaze now that they're eye to eye, a hint of a challenge in his eyes. This is so far from how Sirius had imagined the night would go, his last Halloween party of college, but there’s no part of it he’d do differently, especially not as Remus swipes the beanie off his head, threads his chilly fingers through the hair at the base of his scalp and pulls him forward. “Then kiss me.”


End file.
